How to Live with Someone Who Has ADHD – When You Do Not

Life with ADHD isn’t easy, but let’s not discredit the challenge others face when living with and wanting to best support their loved ones with ADHD. Nothing is worse than watching someone you care for struggle, and if you live with someone who has ADHD, there are some things you can do to make life easier for them and decrease the struggles you both face in cohabitating together.

ADHD brains thrive on structure and need to see things visually. For this reason, establishing clear, visible routines is a great way to support household members with ADHD. Set up a command center in the most common area of your home (such as the kitchen) and use a large wall or dry-erase calendar to visually mark all appointments, reminders, etc.

Establish weekly routines for things such as cleaning, meal planning, grocery shopping, etc., and do these things on the same day each week, at the same time. This consistency will not only make life more ADHD compatible but will also improve your organization! Post the days/times for each routine you establish on the household calendar, so it is visible to everyone living in the space.

One of the most supportive things you can do for someone living with ADHD when it comes to household chores and tasks is divide and conquer! Outline who is to complete each household task and when. Avoid micromanaging and be agreeable on outcomes and timelines for these tasks. Don’t assign large tasks or open-ended projects to the person with ADHD without listing the steps they’ll need to complete them. Break down each task into manageable steps and have visual checklists for everything.

Time Block specific times where you will both focus on your task to help each other stay productive. People with ADHD often struggle with time awareness; they use timers (kitchen timers, phone alarms, etc.) when working on tasks at home. And be sure to include short break periods to avoid overwhelming them!

Be flexible and communicate. Having a shared commitment to find systems that work best for everyone and learning to compromise is critical for supporting a household member with ADHD. Allow each of you to have your own area in the home. An area where each person has complete control of their own space (both aesthetically and organizationally!) will make a big difference. It’s important to have an area that is just “yours” or “theirs”!

Keep surfaces (such as countertops & tables) clear and declutter shared spaces as much as possible. Use clear, open bins and containers (with no lids) to organize and label them to simplify where things go. Labels are helpful for someone with ADHD, but keep in mind that you don’t want to be too specific with your labels! For example, have one container or bin labeled “snacks” as opposed to breaking down each type of snack into its own container.

When it comes to organization and a housemate with ADHD…don’t expect perfection! Allow things to be “good enough” and prioritize zones where things do have a place, but don’t necessarily have to be “pretty”. For example, creating a drop zone for keys, wallets, mail, etc. is a basic organization technique, but it will surely prevent “doom piles” from building up. It will also help you keep organized if you set weekly “check-in” times to talk about what’s working, what’s not, and to plan. Schedule the check-in to 15-30 minutes and keep the conversation supportive… not critical! Suggested topics for these check-ins include:

• Household/shared bills
• Chores
• Household members’ emotional needs
• Space-sharing
• Etc.

You’re already showing support by reading this! Showing that you care and being mindful in all communication is supportive! Don’t point the finger or speak in an accusatory, blaming manner when engaged with someone with ADHD. Instead of saying, “you’re just being lazy,” say something such as, “let’s find a system that works for both of us.”

Collaborate when problem-solving and brainstorm what would help make it easier for them to stick to. Ask what they feel they struggle with the most and offer your help and support in that specific area. For example, if it’s the dishes or laundry not being completed per your household task list, that can be a chore you take over. Find a chore on your task list that the other person can attempt and make a swap. If it’s too overwhelming for them to decant dry goods or rotate grocery items, change the routine to better break down the task, increase the frequency of when it needs to be done, or set up a time where you can both tackle the task together. Addressing any problem as a household issue that needs solved as a team will not only show support for your housemate’s ADHD but will also likely lead to faster and more effective resolution.

Educate yourself about ADHD and be patient. Having patience and realistic expectations is crucial to understanding (and thriving with) someone with ADHD. Research and learn about how ADHD affects executive functioning and both memory and emotional regulation. Always keep in mind that ADHD also creates time blindness. Knowing these facts will help you be more understanding of all household members and their struggles.

You should expect trial and error; some systems may need slight adjustments before they work effectively. This is normal and okay! ADHD is not about your household member being lazy. Be realistic and mindful about the fact that ADHD is not a lack of caring! ADHD is not something that can be changed, so it’s up to you to work together and change the household routines, procedures, and expectations to best work for everyone living there.